Tuesday, June 20, 2006 6/20/2006 11:18:00 AM
pathetic me? i feel so...
many things have happened and i'm dumbfounded.it all happened from last thu."it's my doom..." i told myself when farhan put me as the caller.true enough, everything start to cock up though it wasn't really that busy.maybe i've really met my match..my stress level was stretched to the max till i couldn't take it.ridzwan and shida helped me abit but i still couldn't overcome it myself.then the steamed rice ran out!it was the most impt thing but i didn't check beforehand.shida got f*** by francis cos of me.we had to 'borrow' rice frm other restns while the chefs cook some.another matter, sasi didn't pack the fried rice into portions and we had to do extra work whenever there's an order.to add on, she keep asking us to help her heat this, heat that.shida couldn't take it till she went to tell francis.god knows what overcame him, he blasted at pina, the head chef @ suntec.they had such a heated quarrel and francis being a hotheaded person, he looked like he almost wanted to fight.pina cried.shida and i couldn't do anything and it really frightens the both of us.i was disappointed with myself. it wasn't really busy and i'm already not doing everything right.am i expecting alot frm myself? i feel i am but isn't it a gd thing in some ways?farhan and i had a small talk after closing that night."are you feeling demoralized? don't be ok? don't doubt your capability..." he asked.i don't know if what farhan told me was really frm his heart but i do feel the way he said.i really doubt my capability in every positon @ the restn.childish me, i think the matter tt sasi didn't portion out the fried rice and the matter tt i wasn't able to do a gd job was two different matters.the nxt day...james, the operations manager, came with the top 2 chefs in sk.i can sense tt the chefs are linking both matters into one and i'm becoming the one who cause all tt happened the day before.cos caller is supposed to be the one in charge of the kitchen for tt period of time.what can i say? i'm only a part-timer and i wasn't even asked to clarify things.i don't deny tt i was incompetent as a caller.but shldn't they do their part of the job too? why are they linking both matters?i felt so 'dumb'. having to cope with being demoralized in myself and the blame tt they're putting on me, it's such a freaking burden.i'm grateful for zixin and vivien.however all the more zixin comforted me, all the more i couldn't control myself and my tears.my tears aren't meant to be dropped in front of anyone, tt's how stubborn i'm.for now, things have seem to be peaceful on the surface.but i just feel there's this sense of weirdness and blaming spirit ard.am i too sensitive? maybe but i guess i shld still watch my back with caution.just like tyrone (kapatid), i'm being made to feel even smaller than i felt when i started working there.sometimes i do pity kapatid. he came all the way to sg for attachment but he's not really learning things tt he shld be learning.working in the kitchen almost everyday is like being in the middle of a sandwich.having to listen to nagging and scolding of the chefs, there's pressure frm within.having to bear the responsibility of stress frm supervisors and customers who can't wait patiently for their food, there's pressure frm outside.sigh.no wonder sometimes i can find him hiding in the storeroom all by himself.now i know why. being put to work in the kitchen has made him quieter, admitting to fate probably i guess.what has happened to me is also making me shut myself up @ work.only till yesterday did i have a chance to talk to francis since tt freaking thu.i told him i wanna stay away frm the kitchen for the time being."why? why shld you stay away? don't need to be afraid of them," francis told me.i'm not. there's just the feeling of being blamed for everything tt happened.i'm being blamed for them being scolded. they give me the look everytime i'm working.have i become quieter there? i think i have. nasir claimed i have.i'm working there till a little sian already now.compare to working @ bugis, i learned alot of new things @ suntec, be it physically or mentally or spiritually.i see and understand alot more of myself since i've started working there.maybe there's always something i have to lose in order to gain something?slient tears falling...
